feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
