i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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