I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
