I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
