I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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