ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
All the doctor said was why
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
