I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
