I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
