I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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