help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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