Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
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