i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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