i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
