tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
