I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
