i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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