Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
