ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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