i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Someone came in the potted fern
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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