pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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