I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
