I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Randomize
