i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
