I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
