How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
