I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize