I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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