Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
