i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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