My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Randomize
