She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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