i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Randomize
