I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
