so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Randomize
