Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize