Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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