As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Someone shattered a urinal.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
