dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
