I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
