Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
