You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
