life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
