good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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