If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I think my fart just growled at me.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I pour the whiskey from now on
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
