she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
