So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I didn't notice because vodka
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
