mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
