My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Randomize
