I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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