Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
He keeps bees of course he's weird
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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