Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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