I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
