I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
