I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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