so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
