if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
