Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
