Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I need to align my fucking chakras
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
