Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
